Monday

Weight this morning: 72kg.

Over the weekend I learned that Grief is an actual person. He is a sneaky bastard, who will tiptoe up and smash you right when you least expect it - right when you've started hanging out with Happiness again. A few people have told me this, that the stages of grief are not linear - that you can jump stages and go backwards and some stages will take longer than others. I thought I was through to the other side, but a few things happened over the weekend to make me realise I wasn't. I know I'm not back at square one, but I am really hurting.

As a result, and it is no excuse I know, but I was in such a filthy, disgusting mood this morning that I drove all the way to the gym and then straight back home again. I was seriously concerned that if I walked in that door I might have broken something. So I went home and walked my dog, got ready for work and tried to just chill. I was disgusting when I got to work too, but as the day went on and I was very busy, it got easier. I know I need to just keep myself busy, but at the same time I know I can't just ignore it because it will only come back to bite me later.

So yeah. No exercise today. Ate chips at lunch. Now fighting the urge to drive down the road and buy cake. Yes, I am an emotional eater. Yes, I need to fight it by going to have a bath or something instead.

I know tomorrow will be a better day.

Morning-after DOMS...

Roll over to turn off alarm *ouch* put hair up for work *ouch* drive and have to turn the steering wheel *ouch* push chair in at desk *ouch* tuck shirt in after visit to ladies *ouch*! Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch is all I can say! Today is the morning after my first training session and I am officially on a one-way ticket to Hurt City. But in some sick way I still love it! :-)

This morning, when my alarm went off at 0515h, I came DANGEROUSLY close to setting it for an hour later and skipping the gym altogether. "Oh but it's only your first week back, you should take it easy, and man, you are bloody sore this morning," said Inner Fat Erica... but I told her to shut the f*ck up, went to the gym, did a 40 minute elliptical trainer session and abs. I remembered that if I want to get big, sleeping in is not an option. Unless of course, I am prepared to settle for "meh". Which I absolutely am not.

x

Back on my bike

This morning was my first day back training. Did back, chest and shoulders... holy crackers I'm gonna be sore tomorrow! But as I walked out of the gym, iPod still going with "Back in Black" by ACDC playing, I couldn't stop smiling, as I felt awesome and remembered why I started lifting weights in the first place. After doing a good training session, I feel strong both physically and mentally, and stuff that would normally get to me in the course of a day just rolls off me.

I am so lucky to have such beautiful friends who inspire me every single day. As previously mentioned, I am now lucky enough to live in the same city as Kay Wiseman. I'd also like to bring attention to my other gorgeous girlfriend, Kahla Bullemor... what a beautiful, amazing, strong woman. Check her out (photo by none other than Dallas Olsen of course)!

I weighed 73.4kg this morning. Roughly where I started my comp prep for the All Female Classic last year, at 22 weeks out. At this stage, I am planning on doing the ADF comp as my first one on 15 September. Giving me about 39 weeks to prep... heaps of time, but I musn't allow myself to get complacent. So, over the coming weeks of holidays, I'm going to have a serious think about some short-term goals to keep me focussed.

On a less exciting, but just as important, other subject... You may remember, earlier this year I found a lump in my breast (click here for post). Well, I've found another one. It's probably nothing once again, but I'm having the ultrasound and biopsy done all the same. Better to be safe than sorry... ladies, please, PLEASE check your breasts!!

On that note, I'm off to my lil sis' place for dinner. Legs tomorrow.... can't wait! :-))) x

Getting happy with myself.

Ok, I'm in new town, new house, new job and I'm settled. Well, as settled as you can be, two months after ending a 4.5-year relationship, moving interstate, etc. Life isn't easy, but it wasn't meant to be. So now that I'm "settled" in my new life, it's time to work out who I am and get happy with myself. I could wait until the new year to start, or I could start now. I choose to start now. Here goes...

Those of you who are my "friends" on Facebook will have seen my status update tonight. I had dinner at my beautiful friend Kay Wiseman's place last night...

...in my attempt to work out "who I am", I have been umming and ahhing about doing another comp. I know how much hard work it is, and I know I will need to work A LOT harder than I did last year if I ever want to actually be competitive. But I want that hard work, I want something to focus all of my time and energy on. Yes, I will have to make sacrifices... regular late nights and drinking will have to take a back seat. But, this is it. I am doing another one! I am yet to decide on which comp and which time of the year, but at this stage I'm thinking of just aiming at the ADF comp as my first one. This will give me some time to build some muscle again and do it at a more moderate pace. I just have to work really hard at staying focussed. More on this later.

The twist to this is that, over the past few months, I have been eating more and more like a vegetarian/vegan. I have gone slightly hippy and can no longer stand the thought of rotting animal flesh inside my body, or drinking the milk or eating the unfertilised egg of another animal. Ewwwww. I don't know why these feelings have suddenly hit at the age of 27, but they have. So... I'm thinking I'd like to give comp prep a go on a plant-based diet! More on this later too. For now, I'll let you "digest" this post (pardon the pun)... :-).

I will keep blogging

I just need some more time to get my feet back on the ground. Even though I was the initiator in this break up, it's still really not fun. Until I am settled I don't really have all that much to blog about, except my break up...

It's been just over one month since we separated. I spent 1 week eating very healthily and drinking sometimes. I spent 4 weeks eating very healthily, exercising every day and drinking excessively. I spent last week not eating until 1600h (when I actually started to feel hungry), not exercising at all, and drinking VERY excessively. This week I am trying to just concentrate really hard on not drinking. It's 1700h and I'd love one right now.

Next week I go on a holiday with some friends, it will be great to get away. I know I'll be drinking there, but at least I won't be doing it alone, laying in bed at night, watching Grey's Anatomy and crying myself to sleep. After that I go down to our old house to get my things and move out. I start my new job the week after that. Everything is so final now.

Once I'm settled in my new place I'll try to start blogging regularly again. Thank you all so much for your support. xox

Sorry I've been so slack

Dear Blogland,

I can't believe it's been 3 months since I last blogged, this is the longest I think I have ever gone without posting, without warning you first that I was giving it away. I haven't given it away. I have had a lot going on in my life. Again. There is something about this time of the year I think.

This post is just a very quick one to let you all know that I am back in Australia, and that my husband and have separated after 4 years of marriage, almost 5 of being together. Please don't say you're sorry, please don't worry about me, I am ok. It was my decision, but of course I am sad, as life for me as I know it is completely upside down. I am currently working through the administrative things associated with relationship breakups, such as moving interstate. I don't know where yet.

Please don't ask, "what happened?" This is the one question I have never been able to understand people asking when couples break up. When two people get together, when they get married, no one asks why! Why are they getting together? When two people break up, it's as though the whole world expects an explanation. Why?? Why do we need to have a reason why we're breaking up? We just didn't work. We had our fair share of issues, like everyone else. But we just didn't work and I was not happy. So please, don't ask why.

As a result of all of this upheaval, I don't know whether I will blog. I may from time to time. I am putting a lot of energy into eating clean and training to get fit again, but unfortunately have been drinking a lot lately. So I may just blog to clear my head and stay accountable with my training. Or I may just wait a few months then start a new blog under my maiden name. I don't know yet. But as soon as I decide, I will be sure to leave a comment on all of your blogs so you know either way. Thank you all for your support.

Erica xox

Who Gym, Couch and Bed are to me

I am going to write a bit more about me getting back with Gym. My personification of him and Couch (and now that Katie P mentions it, Bed) just makes it a little bit easier for me to work out how to renew my commitment to him and keep our relationship alive. As I mentioned, we broke up last year and have been on and off ever since. Now, if I want it to work long-term, there are some things I need to remember and stick to.

The way I see it, my relationship with Gym needs to be looked at like a marriage:

1. It is a life-long commitment.
2. I will get bored with him, but I need to keep things interesting to avoid this happening.
3. He will hurt me sometimes, but I just need to forgive him and move on, because grudges damage relationships forever.
4. He is someone I can always count on to be there for me no matter what time of the day or night.
5. Being with Gym makes me feel strong and in control of myself.
6. I musn't become obsessed with Gym - obsession ruins relationships. We both need our space.
7. I need to have a life outside of Gym too - other interests and other friends.
8. Sometimes I will feel too tired to make an effort with Gym, but because I've made the commitment to be with him for life, I must make that effort, no matter how bad I'm feeling.
9. Like any relationship, I need to be aware of when the "honeymoon period" is over, and take steps to keep it alive. At that point our relationship is no longer exciting as it first was, but it's a different kind of relationship - a more meaningful one.

Then there is Couch. I see Couch as a very good friend:

1. He knows me well and knows how to make me feel good.
2. Couch is always there for me too, but just as a friend.
3. Couch gives me time to chill out, away from Gym, and balances me out.
4. I musn't spend too much time with Couch, or else things get out of control, and if I spend too much time with Couch I'll be spending less time with Gym and our relationship will sour.
5. Couch and I are really not meant to be together as partners, because sometimes Couch is moody and he makes me feel bad if I spend too much time with him.

Katie P mentioned that she is spending more time with her friend Bed. In my situation, I like to see my relationship with Bed as purely professional:

1. Bed provides me with a place to sleep and repair my body (and be with real people! hehe).
2. I musn't get too comfortable with Bed - no watching TV or spending too long with him, because he is tempting, and if I let it get out of control, I will be crossing the line in our friendship and spending less time with Gym.

I have this little circle of 3 friends - Gym, Couch and Bed, and now that they all know where they stand with me, we will get along fine. :-)