I will keep blogging

I just need some more time to get my feet back on the ground. Even though I was the initiator in this break up, it's still really not fun. Until I am settled I don't really have all that much to blog about, except my break up...

It's been just over one month since we separated. I spent 1 week eating very healthily and drinking sometimes. I spent 4 weeks eating very healthily, exercising every day and drinking excessively. I spent last week not eating until 1600h (when I actually started to feel hungry), not exercising at all, and drinking VERY excessively. This week I am trying to just concentrate really hard on not drinking. It's 1700h and I'd love one right now.

Next week I go on a holiday with some friends, it will be great to get away. I know I'll be drinking there, but at least I won't be doing it alone, laying in bed at night, watching Grey's Anatomy and crying myself to sleep. After that I go down to our old house to get my things and move out. I start my new job the week after that. Everything is so final now.

Once I'm settled in my new place I'll try to start blogging regularly again. Thank you all so much for your support. xox

Sorry I've been so slack

Dear Blogland,

I can't believe it's been 3 months since I last blogged, this is the longest I think I have ever gone without posting, without warning you first that I was giving it away. I haven't given it away. I have had a lot going on in my life. Again. There is something about this time of the year I think.

This post is just a very quick one to let you all know that I am back in Australia, and that my husband and have separated after 4 years of marriage, almost 5 of being together. Please don't say you're sorry, please don't worry about me, I am ok. It was my decision, but of course I am sad, as life for me as I know it is completely upside down. I am currently working through the administrative things associated with relationship breakups, such as moving interstate. I don't know where yet.

Please don't ask, "what happened?" This is the one question I have never been able to understand people asking when couples break up. When two people get together, when they get married, no one asks why! Why are they getting together? When two people break up, it's as though the whole world expects an explanation. Why?? Why do we need to have a reason why we're breaking up? We just didn't work. We had our fair share of issues, like everyone else. But we just didn't work and I was not happy. So please, don't ask why.

As a result of all of this upheaval, I don't know whether I will blog. I may from time to time. I am putting a lot of energy into eating clean and training to get fit again, but unfortunately have been drinking a lot lately. So I may just blog to clear my head and stay accountable with my training. Or I may just wait a few months then start a new blog under my maiden name. I don't know yet. But as soon as I decide, I will be sure to leave a comment on all of your blogs so you know either way. Thank you all for your support.

Erica xox

Who Gym, Couch and Bed are to me

I am going to write a bit more about me getting back with Gym. My personification of him and Couch (and now that Katie P mentions it, Bed) just makes it a little bit easier for me to work out how to renew my commitment to him and keep our relationship alive. As I mentioned, we broke up last year and have been on and off ever since. Now, if I want it to work long-term, there are some things I need to remember and stick to.

The way I see it, my relationship with Gym needs to be looked at like a marriage:

1. It is a life-long commitment.
2. I will get bored with him, but I need to keep things interesting to avoid this happening.
3. He will hurt me sometimes, but I just need to forgive him and move on, because grudges damage relationships forever.
4. He is someone I can always count on to be there for me no matter what time of the day or night.
5. Being with Gym makes me feel strong and in control of myself.
6. I musn't become obsessed with Gym - obsession ruins relationships. We both need our space.
7. I need to have a life outside of Gym too - other interests and other friends.
8. Sometimes I will feel too tired to make an effort with Gym, but because I've made the commitment to be with him for life, I must make that effort, no matter how bad I'm feeling.
9. Like any relationship, I need to be aware of when the "honeymoon period" is over, and take steps to keep it alive. At that point our relationship is no longer exciting as it first was, but it's a different kind of relationship - a more meaningful one.

Then there is Couch. I see Couch as a very good friend:

1. He knows me well and knows how to make me feel good.
2. Couch is always there for me too, but just as a friend.
3. Couch gives me time to chill out, away from Gym, and balances me out.
4. I musn't spend too much time with Couch, or else things get out of control, and if I spend too much time with Couch I'll be spending less time with Gym and our relationship will sour.
5. Couch and I are really not meant to be together as partners, because sometimes Couch is moody and he makes me feel bad if I spend too much time with him.

Katie P mentioned that she is spending more time with her friend Bed. In my situation, I like to see my relationship with Bed as purely professional:

1. Bed provides me with a place to sleep and repair my body (and be with real people! hehe).
2. I musn't get too comfortable with Bed - no watching TV or spending too long with him, because he is tempting, and if I let it get out of control, I will be crossing the line in our friendship and spending less time with Gym.

I have this little circle of 3 friends - Gym, Couch and Bed, and now that they all know where they stand with me, we will get along fine. :-)

Gym and I are back together!

An amazing thing happened tonight. I went out for dinner to a Turkish place here in this overseas land, where we what we ate wasn't big in volume, but it was very rich - different breads and dips with pudding and coffee for dessert. Awesome food! I've never had real Turkish food before, but now I've had it I'll definitely be going back. So anyways, the amazing thing was that when I got back "home", I felt so full I was sleepy and my tummy wasn't feeling too good... normally I would just go and sit or lie down and watch some TV after a big meal, but tonight I decided to pay my good friend Gym a visit. I just went and did an hour at a moderate pace (average HR approx 150bpm) on the spin bike, and for the first 15 minutes I absolutely sweated like a little piglet. This could have had something to do with the very high humidity we had here today, but really I think it was mostly my poor lil body trying to process all of the calories I'd just eaten! Anyways, I felt great afterwards - much better than I know I would have felt if I'd just sat on my bum for an hour.

I'm so glad I found Gym again. We had a falling-out about this time last year, after my comp. I was just over him. Our relationship got boring and repetitive and I have to admit that I didn't make any effort to spice things up. I spent less and less time with him and more and more time with Couch, who he really doesn't like. Couch gave great cuddles. In the end I left Gym for Couch, and Gym and I lost contact completely.

When I arrived here, I bumped into Gym again. He wasn't very happy to see me, which is understandable, since I left him suddenly with no real notice or explanation. As a result, the first few times we caught up weren't very pleasant, in fact I could say they were painful, but as time went on and we saw each other more regularly things got better and I remembered why we got together in the first place. He is such a great friend - he is there for me, at any time of the day or night, for however long I need him. No matter how bad I am feeling, I just need to make the effort to get dressed and pay him a visit, and I know that within 10 minutes of that visit I am feeling great again. Gym always makes me feel good about myself - so full of energy and like I have accomplished something for the day. I just can't believe I didn't realise how much I missed him.

All of that is in the past now and doesn't matter. Gym and I have now made a commitment to each other, and I've cut all ties with Couch - he is completely out of the picture. Gym and I will be together forever, and like all relationships, we just need to make the effort to keep things interesting, so we don't get bored with each other again.

Have you been keeping in regular contact with Gym??? ;-)

Close your eyes...

...and remember that feeling when:

...you walked up stairs and almost had to stop and catch your breath and were disgusted at how unfit you'd become.

...you went shopping for clothes for 6 hours and ended up buying nothing and going home in tears because every single thing you tried on didn't quite fit or look right to you.

...you walked into a pub and worried about people looking at you and wondered if you'd chosen the right outfit to hide your flabby arms/big bum.

...you just finished a pizza/garlic bread/chocolate/icecream/cheesecake binge and you thought your sides were going to split to the point you couldn't lay down and were disgusted at the thought of how many calories you just put into your poor little body.

...you couldn't pull your sexiest pants on over your thighs.

Now, close your eyes once more and remember these feelings, when:

...you just finished an absolute flog session in the gym. You thought at one point you might actually vomit, but you caught a glimpse of your muscles in the mirror and that kept you going.

...everyone was eating pizza, but you chose chicken and salad, then pushed away from the table feeling lighter and healthier than ever.

...you went shopping for clothes, walked into the first shop and tried on the first thing that caught your eye and it looked and felt awesome. As did every other thing you tried on that day.

...you walked into a pub, with your head held high, knowing that you look hot.

All of these things are powerful reminders for me. Thinking about them has got me back on the straight-and-narrow and kept me there. It's all about ideals... I want to be as happy as I can be in this life, so that I can be the best I can be in the world around me. A big part of me being happy is being happy in my skin. We all say it doesn't matter what we look like, it's what's inside that counts... blah blah... but I know in myself that if I never have to stress about finding something to wear, finding something that fits, feeling like people are staring at my flaws or feeling like I am so unfit I might die young, then I have a lot more head space for much more important things in life. I have noticed a distinct difference over the years in my confidence and general contentedness between when I am unfit and when I am fit. My body is where I live, and if it is messy and unkempt then my mind and heart feels the same way.

The importance of breast self-examination

I started checking my breasts religiously once a month during the "down-time" of my cycle and I can honestly say that, each month for the past 4 years or so, I have taken that 5 minutes and checked my boobs - standing in the shower whilst wet, then laying down in bed, all the way up to my collarbone and armpits.

I have always had quite "grainy" boobs; apparently this is due to just being young, our breast tissue is still very dense, so I was always a bit concerned that I wouldn't be able to recognise a change in my tissue. As scary as it was, I am very proud to say that I found not one lump, but two, about 5 weeks ago. I was in the shower, doing my monthly "standing wet" check, and felt the first one... a small lump, about 1cm in diameter, hard and not sore at all. Definitely different to the surrounding tissue. Then I found a second, softer one just above it, both on the upper outside of my right breast. I then went to do the "laying down dry" check, and yep, it was definitely there.

I didn't freak out at all, because I know that the texture of our breast tissue can change quite dramatically just due to hormones (yet another joy of being a woman!), so I told myself I'd wait another 2-3 weeks and continue to monitor it, and if it hadn't gone away I'd go and get it checked out. Well, another 3 weeks went by and I decided to go to the doctor. Whilst it didn't feel sinister, the doc said it's better to get these things checked, so I flew home to Australia last week for an ultrasound - the preferred method of investigation for young women.

I had the ultrasound on Wednesday, and the report said that the first lump is just an intramammary lymph node, and the second is normal glandular tissue. The breast surgeon on Friday looked at the report and simply said, "Good." So that was reassuring! He then decided to do a needle biopsy just to be on the safe side and for his and my own peace of mind. Holy crackers... that was a slightly unpleasant experience to say the least! Not just insert needle, suck some tissue out, pull needle out, but let's insert needle, start sucking tissue out but stab it around in a few different places while we're in there...! Ouch. He was a lovely surgeon though and I'm glad he made the extra effort of taking the biopsy. I'll get the official results back tomorrow, but the surgeon said he was happy for me to come back overseas as he's not concerned that it's anything sinister.

Anyways, that's my lady-lump story... luckily a false alarm, and apparently 9 out of 10 lumps are, but all need to be properly investigated. So please remember to check your breasts and get to know them so that you too can recognise any changes.

xox

Testing my body

I am sitting here at the start of my overnight shift so thought I'd blog before I go and do some work. This shift work is knocking me around a fair bit. 2 days ago I was working the afternoon shift then yesterday I started the night shift, which is 8 hours starting from midnight. I spent 28 hours awake yesterday.... FAR OUT I felt like crap. I don't think I've ever been awake for that long in my whole life (I did not fall asleep once) where there wasn't alcohol involved! Man, it really does open your eyes to what your body is capable of, and proves the fact that being tired is just as bad as being drunk! I woke up at 0930 on Sunday, and by 1300 today I felt extremely uncoordinated, wobbly on my feet and even felt like I was slurring my speech sometimes. I went to bed at 1300 today and slept solidly for a good 8 hours. I hated waking up for my "morning" at night though, that was really strange! Oh well, I'm sure I'll get used to it.

My training is going well. I've been using this opportunity whilst I'm in this strange environment to do some training that I would never normally do back home. Such as walking/running wearing my long-sleeved uniform, webbing (load-carrying equipment, approx 14kg) and carrying my weapon (about 3 kg). The other night I did 15 laps of the track, 6.3km in 55 minutes. There is a records board in the gym here and no female has ever got her name on the board here for the 3.2km "patrol order run" (running with webbing and weapon). My goal is to be able to do it in 20 minutes or less - which sounds slow, but you try doing it wearing two shirts, long pants, and carrying 17kg. Oh, and doing it in a very hot and humid environment - it gets above 30 deg here most days and is extremely humid. The weather, lack of sleep and less-than-ideal diet are definitely testing my body... but what doesn't kill me will make me stronger right?

With this shift I'm finding it really hard to get proper nutrition in as there are no meals served through the night. I got up at 2100 and ate muesli, now I'm getting hungry again so might go and grab some fruit and have a protein shake (I'm relying heavily on my protein as I don't like the meat here), then a few hours after that will probably have some cheese and tomato on toast, which should see me through until the end of my shift, when I can go and have some eggs, mushies and tomato for "dinner". The problem is that I'm sleeping through the two main meals where all of the vegies are served, which is why today I made the effort to stay awake until lunch so I could get some in. If I don't eat vegies I get very run down. On top of all of that the doxycycline I have to take every day is making me feel pretty sick, but I am really not complaining, I'm finding all of this quite character-building! :-)

I've got just over 4 months left in this place and the time is going really quickly. Unfortunately I missed my little sister's wedding on Saturday, but that is just part of the career I have chosen. Some men here have missed the birth of their children whilst they are away! But that is life, and our families who put up with it and support us are so wonderful. Here is a piccie of my beautiful little Nae and her "Monkey", exchanging vows. Squeak, you looked so beautiful, I love you. xox


Anyways, better go and do some work. Hope you're all great, talk again soon. xoxox